On Sun. January 23rd I lost my grandmother to a long battle with cancer.
January is already an interesting month in my house. Everyone is trying to recover from Christmas and new years when my sister's birthday rolls around. We January birthdays are lucky if it's not raining on our day. My dad's birthday rolls in on the 20th and I usually round out the month, with mine, on the 22nd. My family has been struck with death this time of year before. Going from the extremes of Holidays and "Happy Birthdays" to the loss of a loved one is so much more trying then you can imagine. I'm never quite sure what to feel or when I should be feeling it. Days become a blur and everything looses it's importance. People send cards and call but I never know what to say. I always appreciate it but "thank you" just doesn't quite fit.
Before, it was sudden and unplanned. This time it was unexpected, but in a different way. Symptoms had been rapidly increasing these last few months. Pain control was the prime issue but little things would constantly rattle the cage. My grandma got through everything but there was always this feeling of "what next." One day the pain just became too much. We / Hospice couldn't control it with oral medication any longer. In the hospital, the IV meds would work but only for a while and she could never be awake long enough to enjoy the relief. Things continued to decline and slowly her body just shut down.
I feel very lucky to have been with her so much during her last years. The things that I have learned from her battle with cancer...the medical and emotional side of dying. There is an enormous sense of relief now that this chapter is closed and she is no longer in pain or fear of what cancer could do to her. There is also an incredible sadness for a vibrant spirit cut short that I will now miss everyday. (She promised to leave signs, so keep your eyes and heart open.) Now I know I'll see her in my dreams and hear her in her favorite songs.
Kathryn Louise Snyder
Dec. 30, 1948 - Jan. 23, 2011
